Friday, November 6, 2009

55 Fiction – Unfettered Death

“It died”, cried a tender voice,"the poacher…” 

Words were hushed by sobs, laments on freedom leading

to death and  fear rushing through the veins.

Those petty sounds shook my clipped wings,entered my

spirit - caged  and I wondered if I’d ever be shot by a

poacher and breathe my last in open air.

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  1. Not quite satisfied with this one.
    Looking forward to your reviews.

  2. Read it twice:)i understood! Yay! Its nice ya y u not satisfied? Eh? N guess wad i loved it coz it related to the book m readin:)
    TIYA its a journey of a bird:)
    gud goin:)

  3. Divsi - Wow! thats a happy coincidence, who is the author of the book?
    I am not quite satisfied with this one Divsi as I would have liked it to be pithy. Somewhere I found myself lacking in proper expressions, specially in the last sentence.
    Can you think of a better way of expressing it?

  4. Loved it..its very nice indeed..I think there's no reason for you to be not satisfied with's your story and you should be proud of it (the last line included) :)...

  5. Umesh - I still feel its needs some more revision to strike the chord at my heart. But as you rightly said its my story and i should be proud of it.
    Thanks for that insight.

  6. i agree wid umesh buddy...he s rite..u must be proud its ya writeup..i wudnt be able to include my line or edit this...i ll onli mar it wich i dont want to:))

  7. Divsi: I get that. You' re right guys.
    May be I should spend some more time with this post to know it better or like it better.

  8. Hey! First time to yours as well! :)

    55 Fiction interests me. This one's nice. Although I think I get where you're coming from when you say you're not satisfied. Read it over once you're done writing 55 fiction...I'm no expert at it, rather I just started, but I think it helps. If you can form a movie in your head from what you wrote, it's the best you can do.
    Don't think it made too much sense, and hope you didn't mind my gyaan on my first visit.
    See you around buddy!

  9. @Shaunak : Thanks for dropping in and I definitely did not mind the "gyaan". i love getting feedback from people.Shall try your method out.
    Will keep dropping in at your blog.

  10. n yeah pallavi..the book is by a monk named samarpan:)

  11. Good One, and I can also understand you feeling not satisfied. I have always felt that with everything i wrote.
    Keep writing and come back to this story after a few months and you will see and understand exactly the words needed to bring the satisfaction.

  12. @Harsha : In fact I was looking forward to your comments on this one. I will keep in mind what you said. Thanks a ton.

    PS - I still recall your last post and end up giggling all by myself.

  13. It's really good.
    But if you'd used the phrase 'clipped wings' in the last line, it would've been a different reading experience. Using it in the middle sort of gave the story away soon.
    Just an opinion.
    Looking forward to read more. :-)

  14. Karthik: Thanks a lot dear!
    It is a great suggestion.